HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET OWEN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUU!!!!!
So here's the post I wanted to write the other day that I just couldn't do because quite honestly I was suffering from some pretty heavy depression and self-loathing related to "Mommy Guilt" over having missed out on so much of Owen's first year because of my fibro, and just how little I am able to be there for him or take care of him on my own. I mean, Owen just turned one and I'm still in major shock that HE'S ONE ALREADY!!! Where has the time gone? No, seriously, where'd it go? Did it like, fly by me somewhere, like on a sparrow or a cloud or something, because I sure haven't seen it...
But you know, self loathing doesn't really take us very far, and hating myself isn't making anything better, so even though I'm still struggling with the immense loss of what this syndrome is causing in my life and the prospects of all it's going to continue to cause me to lose out on, as well as what it's doing to my family and how it consumes my every thought, I think that my little loved one deserves so much more than that. So Owen, I am so sorry Mommy failed you in this. I know you are far too young to care about it, but I'm not, and it hurts me so deeply to know that I failed you yet again. But I love you, and I'm trying to do my best, and even though I apparently need to try even harder, hopefully someday God will help pull us through this and will make a beautiful thing out of these ashes, but until then, I've just opted to write you a little letter instead about how wonderful you are, and what a blessing you are to me my love, so that someday you can sit down and read it and remember and fully know just how much I truly have and always will love you, my sweet little love bug.
To my sweet little Owen on your very First Birthday EVER! Well, you do only get one First Birthday, so really that's not quite right... But anyways...:
Owen, my love, I just wanted to take a few minutes out of today to tell you how much I love you and how much I care for you. God made you specially just for me, and you know how I know that - you're so stinkin' cuddly it's amazing - more so than I could have ever hoped for or imagined! Oh, and you're small and incredibly adorable too - so much that it hurts for me to look away from you at times.
You brighten each and every day, and when I say every day, I mean EVERY DAY! You are the love of my life little one. I can't believe that one whole year has already gone by since that scary and yet wondrous night you were born. The night that they lost your heartbeat for so long that they called in like 9 nurses and the NICU Dr., the very same one who helped take care of your brother during our long stay there 2 years before. The night that they told me to push and push and push but I just could push any harder so they tried to pull you out with the vacuum, that we pleaded with them to tell us if you were alright - if you were even alive, and they refused to answer us. All they would say is this is really serious, we need you to push, you had to get out right away. They were scared; really, really scared, but we were terrified. Terrified of losing the one we dreamed of and planned for and whom I had played with in my tummy, tracing your outlines, pushing your feet back to the right spot when you were being naughty and making mommy uncomfortable, and whom we had hoped for for so, so long. We couldn't stand the thought of losing you, and we hadn't even met you yet.
Oh, but Owen, when I felt that final push and heard that beautiful soft yet strong cry of yours, oh how my heart leaped for joy. Oh Owie, do you have any idea how much I prayed for you? After being told at 19 weeks we would most likely lose you, I prayed with tears over my Bible every day asking God to just allow us to hear your laughter. To allow you to live. Did you know that's why your middle name is Isaac? It means, "He Laughs." =) How I wanted with all my heart to hear your laughter, and I guess we prayed for the right thing! You have the most beautiful laugh, Owen. It sparkles and dances and floats on the air like a magical thing - and your eyes sparkle with it. You are such a joyful baby, so much like your brother.
And you know what one of the things is that has brought me the most joy these last few months? It's seeing how much you adore your brother and how much he loves and adores you back. He asks for you ALL the time. "Where's Owen Momma? Where's Owen? Can we go get him? I wanna play with him. I wanna play with Owen." And seeing his own joy and wonder at watching your personality bloom, much in the same way that we are watching it bloom as well, oh, it's just so wonderful to see. You are becoming such a sweet, gentle lovey of a little toddler. You are so beautiful my son, so very handsome and so very beautiful both in heart and in soul. I love you Owen, much more than you will ever know. We all do, our little love.
I can't wait to spend every moment I can with you. I am so sorry for all the things I won't be able to do, and all the times I disappoint you in the future. Even if I was healthy as a horse and as perfect a specimen as a mother could be, I could never keep from disappointing you. It's just human nature. But I'm sorry if I do it more than most other mothers do. I'm sorry for all the things I'll miss, even things as simple as going to the park or playing with your trains because mommy has an appointment, or mommy has big owies or mommy is sleeping right now because she hurts. But please know that with all my heart, ALL MY HEART, I would rather be there with you three boys than anywhere else in the world! I love you my sweet bug-a-roo. My little snuggle-bug, Bubbarooskie, Bubbaroo. Sorry Roo. But face it kiddo, I'm your mom. I named our cat Mayonnaise the Ninja Kitty. Chances are your nicknames are going to be kinda odd as well... Lol! (Oh, and just in case LOL is no longer hip when you read this, which odds are will happen, that just means laugh out loud. Haha!) But sweet, lovable little Owen, you are my baby, my dear little baby boy, and I hope you know with every fiber of your being that I love you now and forever and forevermore and I can't wait to spend every second of every day that I'm able to with you, because I love you just that much.
All my love, now and forever and always,