Totally Tangled Over Here and Loving It!

"Burnt To A Crisp" - Tangle #01     3.5" x 5"     Ink & Graphite on Acrylic Paper (ACEO)

The last two weeks have been nothing short of a nightmare. Thank God before that He gave me grace sufficient to get me through what was to come! Before these last two weeks I had the most wonderful, love-filled birthday party of my life (YA-HOOO - I'M OFFICIALLY 30 YEARS OLD!!! I'M SO EXCITED!)  =D  where I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people who not only just showed up to shower their affections and care on me, but who took time out of their own hectic schedules to spend time celebrating a very special day with me. My 30th birthday is something I've been happily awaiting for quite some time now, and it meant so much more to me to be able to spend it with so many people who I hold so dear and close to my heart. It was nothing short of miraculous and terribly humbling at the same time, to be quite honest! After having been literally holed up in my own home in what feels like an iron-clad cage for almost 2 years now, save for my hundreds of Drs. visits and an occassional visit to Costco, Target or the $ Store in my wheelchair,  it was actually a bit overwhelming. My senses aren't really quite used to being around so many people in such a small space anymore, which to be totally honest I was NOT expecting such a great turnout, though I was HUGELY BLESSED by it (I mean, come on, how amazing is that? I was so overcome by emotions that I had planned to thank everyone for coming and instead totally retreated inside myself instead out of sheer shock), and I kept getting asked if I was alright, so I'm fairly positive that the emotion showed loud and clear on my face, like a poor little deer caught in the headlights. But the LOVE I felt in our house shook the walls for me, and it was a birthday I will NEVER forget, at least, not until dementia sets in which is hopefully a ways away. Now, now, I am just 30, mind you!  =0)

What's been so interesting to me is that I've been looking forward to turning 30 for so long, and now that I have, apparently NOW'S the time that everything possible that I thought couldn't possibly get any worse has skyrocketed to new dimensions of horrible that I never even fathomed were possible. Family life has been treacherous for everyone over here, apparently because I've changed so much and I'm no longer who I used to be, and we aren't sure if it's the anti-seizure meds or not (which I'm so praying it's not because they are what's giving me the ability to play with my boys and interact with them and without those I'll go back to being in a virtual untouchable coma, my body wracked with pain, my heart wracked with sobs, it's just awful to think of having to go back there. It's like choosing paralysis over time to laugh and play and enjoy your children. Which would you pick?

If I could give my own two cents, personally I just think I'm different because I'M DIFFERENT. You don't go through as many trials and tribulations as I have and come out the other side unscathed unless you're a robot or not being honest with yourself. BUT, and this is a BIIIIIGGG BUT, it doesn't mean I can treat other's like garbage or hurt them just because I'm hurting. Right now I feel like an injured mother bear trying desperately to protect her cubs from being taken away from her by angry and yet proud huntsmen. I want to lash out in my anger, and then pull back and protect my injuries, hovering over my boys trying to protect them from any fallout that might negatively affect them later on in life, and especially anything that might hurt their precious little hearts now.

I'm learning the value of keeping my own anger reigned in - I found this AMAZING workbook on Amazon for helping with anger management, and even though I've only done one chapter I can SEE and FEEL the changes taking place inside me, as if God is gently taking out the badly woven strings and re-knitting them so that He can complete the work He started in me so many years ago, and so He can carry it on to completion until the day of His Son, Jesus Christ, returns to this earth to save us all who've been faithful to Him! I am so thankful every day that I serve a God like Him, one who truly knows the meaning of being and having:

PATIENCE, PEACE, HOPE, LONG-SUFFERING, ENDURANCE, TENDERNESS, COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING, KINDNESS and above all, 

 LOVE!!!

And so you see, with the walls of my life continually crashing in around my shoulders, when I started noticing more and more of my artist friends coming out with these lovely, vibrantly patterned works of art called Zentangle (R), I started to become intrigued. They were simple and yet so complex. I loved how they looked and especially how they feeled and most of all how they MADE me feel. But what finally got me hooked was when the walls collapsed in around us and we were forced to get a nanny (one of THE best decisions we have EVER made!!!). We finally got the boys back at home where they belonged all along - not at anyone else's house, no matter who it was, the best place for my boys is to be with their momma! Especially now that we have a new nanny to help out, (she's the one who got me into Zentangles® without even knowing what it was, quite to her surprise) but she has been a major help to me already. And like I said, as soon as she showed me her own work I just knew I had to give it a shot. After all, it's basically a mix between Henna, doodling, meditation, shading, pattern-working, and whatever else you want to do to make it your own, so it was a dead-ringer for me!!!

I looked it up too, and apparently they've done studies on it and it's been proven to help with anger management, anxiety, stress reduction, creativity, improved memory retention, pain reduction and so much more like even just the simple fact of helping to improve your mood. Gee, I think I could handle that, couldn't you? So not only is this an art form that is done on a miniature scale (ahem... sound like something I might like, right? Lol!), but it's something I can do in a hospital bed or on major bedrest when the real heavy full-bodied or just partial yet temporary paralysis sets in, which is HUGE to me, since it's times like those that I struggle with wanting to do art the most but I can't do anything feasible because it's WAY too involved. So with how small this is coupled with the fact that you also only need to use tiny strokes means I can do this just about anywhere in just about any situation. PRAISE THE LORD!!! I finally found something I can take with me that doesn't take up huge amounts of space and that I can pack on the fly. I'm such a happy camper right now!!!

Unfortunately, with the artistic passion comes the STRONG, rather overbearing and for me quite tormenting emotions, which at times seem like they could just swallow me whole. At least I'm not the only artist to have ever felt this way - I'm pretty sure it's like a right of passage if you want to be a fine artist for some odd reason. It must just be like I said - with great passion comes great torment as well - and either one of them, if left untamed, can swallow you up. My prayer is that God continues to enrich my passions rather than continue my torment, for it surely does get exhausting after a long time,  as many of my overwhelmed friends would agree with. Thank God He's a God who cares! Well, I really should try to at least clean up a little before the boys wake up - and turn up the heater or restart a fire because it's freezing in here today! I hope you have a wonderful vacation day filled with rest and laughter and much joy, and that God blesses you day immeasurably! So long for now!