Two More Pictures of the Doyles. Plus, How Do You Like to De-Stress?

I just wanted to post one or two little pictures from my previous shoot with Kelsey, Jeremy and Nolan. I was putting together the little CD of pics for their family the other night that I never really got around to finishing up before, and I just thought these were pretty darn cute and had to put them up here. The top one's my absolute favorite - such a tender moment! There are so many more pictures I wish I could edit, but for now, I think this will be it for a while. To see the other ones I did of their family, click here. I haven't even had time to edit our own pictures of my shoots of Owen and Levi, and there are some real gems in there! I can't wait to get to those someday too! =0)

I guess I just haven't really been feeling up to editing pictures lately. I think I worry so much about whether the people I took them for will like them that it stresses me out more than it relaxes me. All my efforts have been going towards getting better for my family (Oh, did I forget to mention on here that I got a positive diagnosis of Fibromyalgia?! Silly me, I must have forgotten! Lol. I know those of you with it can laugh along with me at that one!), so I've really only been painting instead since I find that to be more therapeutic for me. My world has felt like it's been turned upside down and nobody really quite knows how to cope right now, not even my strong and steady husband who has always seemed so immovable to me. It's been a rough couple of weeks, let me tell ya! If you don't mind, we could sure use some prayer right now, that's for sure!

One of my friends asked me lately what I do to de-stress. PAINT!!! (Are you surprised at that one? Haha!) My other go to's are bubble baths, reading and of course, watching the good ole TV. So, what about you? What are your favorite ways to de-stress? And if you have kids, can you let me into the little known secret of how to de-stress with them around (if it even exists in the first place)? Everywhere I look, in each book and each doctor I talk to, everything is telling me the most important thing for me to do right now is to get rid of any stress in my life. HA!!! I get a good laugh at that one. In fact, I actually laughed at my doctor when she said that. Oops! I have a very needy, curious and active 8 mo. old and a very hyper, intelligent 2 year old... A stress-free environment isn't really an option right now. So if you've got any tips that work for you, let me know. Please feel free to comment here, I'd love to hear your suggestions of what works best for you so I can maybe steal some for myself... ;)
Hope you have a wonderful, no, even better - a quiet and relaxing day.  =)

"El Capitan" - A Yosemite Expressionist Painting

As I sit here tonight, struggling in my pain and stiffness to find that elusive thing called sleep, I'm hoping that life is finding you well, and that in your own struggles, now matter how big or how small, you know that there is a God who loves you and is there for you always, all you have to do is ask. Sometimes it seems so very easy to believe the lie that your pain isn't really THAT bad, especially compared to someone else's, that your struggles aren't as hard because you haven't had to deal with something huge like others seem to have to do. That even if what you struggle with may be small in other people's eyes, that it may feel small compared to "what's his face who has to deal with whatever THAT is", that for you, your hardest struggles are indeed HARD, and they are yours and you have every right to feel overwhelmed by them. Please don't ever compare yourself with others in a way that hurts you rather than encourages you to try harder (I say this even while I am working on this myself) because it will only make things worse. It is okay to feel like what you're going through is hard. Like I said, I'm learning that myself right now. What I'm struggling with might be nothing compared with someone else, and yet to me, it's unbearably hard. But there is a God who gives us hope and strength and courage, and it is promised in His word, "Come near to God and He will come near to you." (James 4:8a - which is, by the way, MY FAVORITE VERSE OF ALL TIME!!!) Let him carry your burden for you, as I, and my family with me, are learning to let Him carry ours. "'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.'" (Matt. 11:28-30) God bless!

Here's a picture from our trip last year to Yosemite with my amazing mother and our awesome family. I loved that trip! It was such a sweet time to grow together as a family - to watch Levi lose himself in nature, because boy oh boy does that little man ever love to be outside!!! And to see my beautiful nieces and my sister and brother-in-law (who is really more like a brother to me than anything else) in the element that brings out the best in all of us. We are such a camping family. I think we were all born for the mountains, but for now, our little yearly trips will have to suffice.  =)

Ahhh, Yosemite. There is something so magical about that place. Maybe it's the way the mist hits your face and drenches your body as you stare mystified at the power of the waterfalls before you. Or the beauty in even the simple little wonders there, like the rocks and ferns and, well, in everything around you. And for me, it might even just be my momma. I mean, when we go there, it's like I see her caught perfectly back in time as a young girl, just barely out of her teens, and I see life through her eyes so clearly. She used to work in that park, and I love every story she has to share about it. I eat them up like crazy... Like the time a bear came knocking on her cabin door while she was all alone, and then proceeded climb up on her roof and stick around for awhile, scaring the living daylights out of her. Or the fact that she knows so much about the park, so much more than most people could ever possibly know without having lived there themselves. It's magical to me, and I love it! I hope I captured even a hint of that in this simple painting - even a hint of the immense beauty and majesty that God so lovingly poured out in abundance over that land. I have so, so many more paintings to come from there and from all of our other special haunts - so many more expressions of the joy I feel in spending time in God's great wonderlands with my momma and the rest of my family, and with our mighty Creator Himself - and I can't wait for the chance to make them and share them with you!

"El Capitan"     8 x 10     Acrylic on Canvas

By the way, momma, you totally inspired this painting (you know, just in case you couldn't tell by what I wrote)! I love you and want to thank you for giving me such a love for the beautiful wilderness that God created!

An Update and a New Abstract Painting of My Journey Thus Far, Entiltled "For He Was My Light in Times of Trouble"

I got some answers at my Physical Therapy appt. yesterday that really helped ease at least some of my frustration. It seems that my hip and spine were twisted up pretty badly and all out of sorts from something I did at the girls conference - my hip joints weren't matching up in the back. So when I got home and got my cortisone shot to fix a different problem, it just set everything on fire. The Dr. took one look at my hip and back and said "I am so, so sorry! You must be in agony!" Thank the Lord for a compassionate Dr., who prayed for me and for wisdom in how to treat me, since I know how rare that is. She is amazing. I'm in incredible pain today - when she was done with me she asked me what type of meds I had at home and told me to take my strongest for the next day or so, but I am so glad to have some answers as to why this flare was so bad and what caused it. Now I'm just hoping that the next few weeks of recovery help fix this all, and that I can get back the feeling of normal, since I can't even remember what it feels like to not be in pain anymore.

On a sad note, I asked her what she thought about the prospect that I might have fibromyalgia, since every time she hits a tender spot (by gently pressing mind you) it makes me catch my breath in pain, and she is fairly positive that I do. Just about as positive as she could be. She said I really need to go get checked out by my physician, but told me not to lose hope, because it's not a death sentence. She must have seen the disappointment on my face. So now we'll be looking into that as we move forward, so if you have the chance, please pray for me that I get a compassionate and wise Dr. who can help figure all this out. I love you guys - thanks for listening to all my... well... baggage, I guess.

This painting today was what I pictured in my mind when the other day I posted "It Was Enough." As I was praying I felt God prompting me to try to get out how I'm feeling on canvas: all the darkness and despair, all the tears and pain and anger, the little glimmers of hope, but most of all, the fact that through all of it, no matter how hopeless or desperate or agonizingly painful things became, God's light and presence has always shown so brightly through it all, giving me hope and sustaining me. He is bigger than any problem I have and will ever face and his light will ALWAYS guide me through.

"For He Was My Light In Times of Trouble"     16 x 20     Acrylic on Gallery Wrapped Canvas

Side view of painted, wrapped sides

"It Was Enough" - Probably My Most Important Post Ever

This perhaps may be the most difficult post I will ever have to write, or at least it is the most difficult one so far. I've had so many reservations about writing this over the last few months because it's so personal, but today God overwhelmed me with an urgency to do so, so here I am. Please don't misunderstand the words that follow - I am not looking for sympathy or anything else, I just need to say this in hopes that it may help someone else. This is very raw, and from the heart, and if you can't handle truth and honesty, then don't read this.

The last three years have been the most difficult of my life. It all started in January of 2010, while I was 6 months pregnant with Levi (by the 10 month standard), when I suffered what I later found out was a gall-bladder attack, the first of many that would culminate into the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life on the night Levi was born. In February, during a routine prenatal visit, I was sent to L&D (labor and delivery) because my BP (blood pressure) was ridiculously high. Hours later it stabilized and they sent me home with a BP monitor and partial bedrest. Not much later, I was put on full bedrest (well, other than bathroom privileges) and a prescription as it were for bi-weekly NSTs (non-stress tests to make sure baby was alright). I kept suffering gall-bladder attacks (which had still been undiagnosed at this point) until one fateful Wednesday when the pain was so severe it had me throwing up and sobbing in a ball on the floor of my bathroom. I barely made it to the phone to call Tyler, and he rushed home and brought me to L&D. They admitted me and gave me morphine, which made the pain exponentially worse, and then sent me in for an ultrasound. That's when they found the gallstones and decided to keep me overnight until they could manage my pain. It seemed like nothing worked. They took two blood tests, one right away and another in the morning, which is why by the grace of God they discovered I had HELLP syndrome, a very rare disorder involving your blood and liver requiring almost instant removal of your baby in order to save your life.

They sent me by ambulance to Walnut Creek, where we delivered Levi two months early after three days of no food, barely any sleep, and the most intense pain ever. Labor pain was nothing compared to my gall bladder pain. Nothing. Seriously, I fell asleep between each contraction because I was so extremely exhausted, but the contractions felt good compared to the excrutiating pain that followed each one as my gall bladder flared.

Levi was alright, though not great, and had to be kept on an artificial breathing machine for over a week just to stay alive. I hemorrhaged and almost died - it was so bad that the nurse I had following delivery told me that she couldn't sleep all night she was so worried about me and honestly was surprised I made it. But by God's great goodness I did, and though I required a two-unit blood transfusion to make up for all the blood that I had lost and another half a week in the hospital to recover, I'm still here. =)

We stayed in the NICU for nearly two months, two of the emotionally worst months of both Tyler and my life, but we did come home with a sweet, healthy baby boy in the end, so praise God for that! I will never be the same after all that.

Fast forward a year and a half, and I got an overwhelming urge to get pregnant again. And this was after a "scare" a few months earlier that brought me to my knees in fear that we might have gotten pregnant, because I just didn't think I could do it again. But God changes hearts, and with much prayer and deep consideration we decided to try again. I think after that, Tyler sneezed on me and I got pregnant, because it was seriously the very first try that worked. I know how blessed I am in this, please understand this, because I have so many friends who aren't so lucky.

We were excited and a bit scared when we found out we were pregnant, as you must imagine one would be after everything we went through with our first, but we found comfort in our God and the fact that He so immediately answered our prayers for another child. By the time I hit 16 weeks things started going downhill, and by 19 weeks I was miserable. My BP was out of control, and my Dr. was extremely worried - so much so that he couldn't hide it from his face. He sent me to L&D and the Dr. there was less than comforting - she told us to get prepared to lose our little one, because it just did not look good and they might force us to make a choice to save my life by aborting our child. There is no way on earth we would have done that, and thank God we weren't forced to make that choice! I was so terrified for our son - I couldn't handle losing him! I was so worried that things were going to go even worse than they had with Levi, and in a way they did.

I suffered infection after infection during my pregnancy with Owen, ones that caused such extreme pain and discomfort that Tyler was forced to work from home to take care of me and to top it off, the antibiotics would only work for a week or so before the infection would come back. My blood pressure was soaring, but labile (meaning it would get extremely high but then after a few hours would stabilize) so I was put on medicine, partial bedrest and twice weekly NST's again, and all at the early stage of 26 weeks. The nurses said I was one of the very, very few patients that they had ever had come so early to them, and trust me, it wasn't much fun going to the Drs. so often, but what can you do?

It was during this time that I decided Isaac would be Owen's middle name. I was so afraid he wouldn't make it, that I wouldn't make it, and that I would never hear his laughter that I thought the name meaning "He laughs" would be my prayer request to God. Plus, it reminded me to try to find the joy in the situation, to try to be like Job who in his anger and his misery did not sin against the Lord by charging him with wrong doing.

I was miserable! Honestly, more miserable than I had ever been during my pregnancy with Levi, and I had almost died with him. I couldn't understand why God was putting me through this. Why He was putting our family through this. I was in constant pain, so much so I could hardly walk, and by the time I hit 26 weeks I was praying God would put me into labor just to get the baby out of me. And I've been in the NICU... I know what I was asking for. I cried myself to sleep night after night, and by 32 weeks I started getting braxton hicks. I was elated. They continued off and on, getting stonger and stronger until they were strong enough to bring us to the hospital. By 33 weeks I was dilated 2 cm, and by 34 I was dilated 3 cm. I couldn't wait to go into labor. But the contractions kept coming harder and harder without dilating me any more, and my blood pressure kept rising higher and higher, and my Dr. kept sending me in to be induced with L&D just sending me home 4 to 6 hours later that I finally broke down. I became so angry with God that I honestly, and this is where I am going to get really raw, I honestly debated taking my own life. It was that bad. Every time I went in to get induced and then got sent home still as pregnant and in as much agony as before broke me down farther and farther until I couldn't take it anymore.

I was so angry with God. Why would he do this to me? Why torture me with the hope of these contractions and then have them amount to nothing? How was any of this pain, any of this agony and discomfort and inability to take care of my family working for my good? Doesn't God say he will work all things for the good of those who love him? This wasn't love. This wasn't for my good. I was so bitter and angry I could hardly stand it.

Finally, finally, my Dr. got angry with L&D after one more failed attempt on his part to send me in to be induced and he told them that they needed to get it done. What were they waiting for, he asked, for me to get HELLP and die before they induced me? So at barely 36 weeks, they finally brought me in and admitted me to be induced. Praise the Lord! I was induced at 4 pm that day, they broke my water at 8, and I immediately began intense labor after that. As a side note, Fentanol is a joke. They gave that to me to ease my pain, and it would work for about 15 minutes, but then nothing. Then you had to wait another hour and 15 before your next joke. It was worthless.

I was in so much pain, but hey, that's labor, right? About 15 minutes towards the end, they lost Owen's heartbeat. The Drs. and nurses really started freaking out - you could see it written all over their faces. They brought in the NICU doctors and a host of other nurses, it was just as crowded as when Levi was born. We kept asking if our baby was okay. I pulled a nurse to me - "Is he alright? Is he going to make it?" Deliberate silence on her part. No one would answer us. They told me to push. They told me to push harder. "We have to get him out. We have to get him out NOW! You need to push!" But no matter how hard I pushed he wasn't coming out fast enough for him. We were terrified. He was clearly in distress and both Tyler and I just wanted to sob, but we had to focus. They brought out the vacuum extractor, attached it, lost suction, attached it again. They started making leeway on him, unwrapped the cord from around his neck and finally, finally got him out. He cried. Oh, how he cried. I don't know if I've ever felt more relief than what I felt in that moment, but atleast he cried. They whisked him away to make sure he was okay, and indeed he was. He was two days short of premature, but weighed a very healthy 6 lbs. 13 oz. and was in great condition. God is so good!

But in the process of the pregnancy, the infections and the vacuum extractions they damaged me. Or rather, my muscles damaged me. I've been in so much pain ever since. I've been to physical therapy for months, on Vicodin on and off (mostly on) since he was born, started postpartum depression meds a few months ago to help deal with the pain and anxiety from it (which have helped a ton, might I add, so if you've been debating them and still haven't tried them, I really would give them a shot) and now... We've spent hundreds upon hundreds on medical visits and prescriptions. Now I've had two cortisone shots. The first one was great (I mean aside from the blood curdling scream at getting it done), but this last one, oh man. I haven't been the same since. I honestly feel like I'm dying. Sorry if I sound over-dramatic. Trust me, I'm not. It's just been awful, that's all. It's the worst pain I've ever felt, save for labor and gallstones. I can hardly walk. My whole body feels like it's on fire. My hip and back hurt tremendously, enough to send me to the ER. The pain is stabbing, throbbing, raw, on fire, dull and really every other sensation of pain I've ever felt all rolled into one. It hurts all over. I think only my head doesn't hurt, aside from a negligible headache. Even Dilaudid doesn't get rid of the pain. Valium helps a ton, but I can still feel it and it still hurts more than it should, not to mention it basically makes me a worthless person who can't move, it relaxes my muscles so much. But I can tell it's helping, because it seems to make it a bit better each day I'm on it, since my muscles are finally able to relax after a year of being in constant strain and pain. Once again, Tyler is staying home taking care of me. Once again I'm struggling with feelings of anger, bitterness, helplessness and hopelessness towards God. Oh, and to top it off, what we thought was an answer to prayer, the chance to refinance, that we were so thankful for and praising God mightily for, fell through. Now what? That would have helped offset the cost of my treatments, but clearly God has other plans in mind.

I'm trying so hard to suck it up and just get over it - to push through the pain because what if this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life? After all, it's already been over a year and a half of constant pain, save for a few good days, so at some point I just have to learn to live with this and not allow it to control my life. I have to put on a happy face and pretend that I'm not crying inside and pretend that I don't want to just curl up in a ball and sob. I have to find joy and go out and enjoy my family and friends because we only get one shot at this life and I don't want to waste it.

But... Why? Why is He allowing this? I know He has the power to heal me, so why doesn't He? If I could only touch the hem of His robe...! Today, in a crumpled, sobbing heap of misery and despair I cried out to God. "Why are You doing this?! Why have you given me beautiful children, a wonderful husband, a beautiful house and amazing family and friends and are not allowing me to enjoy them or be the person you want me to be to them - a helper? Why give me talent and a desire to use it for you, a desire to serve you, and then take away my ability to do so? God, where is Your love? Where is Your faithfulness and compassion? I don't want to serve a God like You, if You aren't a God of love. If You have no love for me, then you aren't worthy to be served. I feel like I'm losing faith in You Lord! I can't do this any longer. I know these feelings are sinful, that You don't deserve me talking to You this way, but I'm not Job, I'm not without sin and I JUST CAN'T DO THIS! I'm so sorry for speaking to You this way. I'm so sorry and yet I'm just so done with all of this. What am I supposed to do? How are You possibly going to use this? God, I just can't take this anymore. Take this cup from me, it's more than I can bear. Why are You not a God of love? Why are You not acting out of love for me? Why, God, why?"

And you know what? In all my accusations, my bitterness, my disgusting words to a God who is worthy of all honor and glory and praise, amidst all that I said, the sin and the hate and the pain, I heard Him say in a still, small voice, "It's okay. I love you."

And it was enough. =)

Deut. 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." I find this to be every bit as true for us today as it was for the Israelites back then. I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and all my strength and all my soul, for He alone can get me through this, to the praise of His glory and strength.

"Tower Falls" Expressionist Style Yellowstone Waterfall Painting

I've been having fun lately trying out a much looser style of painting in hopes of 1) being more painterly in my strokes and expressive of my emotions, 2) learning more about color mixing and combinations 3) being capable of finishing a painting in one sitting (because boy does that feel exceptionally good and with little ones, it's nearly impossible to find time to paint!), and 4) eventually getting accepted onto my favorite painting blog of all time, dailypainters.com. Getting on that blog has been one of my major life goals the last few years, as I absolutely love that website! My other major life goal that I've had for a few years now is getting into the Marcus Ashley Fine Art Gallery in Tahoe. I absolutely love that gallery, not only because of the type of art they exhibit, which is absolutely gorgeous, but because of the feeling of the gallery itself and the way that the staff is so willing to walk around with you and talk about the art and the artists who make it. If you are ever in that area, you have to check it out - it will not disappoint you! And if not, they have a fantastic website as well - definitely worth your time to visit! (I provided the link above)

So as I said before, this particular painting was very exciting to paint, and I thoroughly enjoyed using large strokes and partially mixed colors. It's not a style I would do exclusively, because I really find my identity as an artist in the style that I do for "The Secret Lives of Animals" series as well as my more even more whimsical paintings like "If I Could Give You the Moon," but I do absolutely love how it makes me feel to paint this way, and I am sure you will be seeing many more like this one in the weeks to come. =)

"Tower Falls"     8 x 10      Acrylic on Canvas Board

Work In Progress: "The Oyster Thief" - Part 2

I've added another layer to the rocks, basically just by painting in the darks and defining the edges of each one. I still need to add further definition to them and then add in the sand speckles, as well as to make some look as if they are in the shadows, but it's coming along nicely so far. I'm also still debating if I want to put in my little pink anemone things or the two shrimp I had planned to add onto the large rocks. I don't want to clutter this painting up too much, and I'm worried it might. Decisions, decisions...

Work In Progress: "The Oyster Thief" - Part 1

Here's my newest addition to "The Secret Lives of Animals" Series. It's actually kinda funny - I started this painting on a camping trip years ago, as a realistic portrayal of an octopus, but after finding it again, I realized not only was it all wrong drawing-wise,  but the octopus was way too off center to be on his own. So I've re-purposed this painting, by just repainting the whole thing, and now I love it! I obviously have a very long way to go on it, seeing as it's only really got the first layer of underpainting done, but I'm excited to see this one progress and can't wait to see it finished!

Basic Underpainting

I've added in the first layer of rocks here