"To Be Set Free" - A Colored Pencil Drawing And A Work In Progress

"To Be Set Free"     Colored Pencil on Paper     11" x 20"

"To Be Set Free"     Detail of her face

So here's the next installment of "To Be Set Free." I still need to go back and add some fly away hairs in the front like I did in the background, and the Bokeh (the circles of light and darkness) needs some serious blending, but other than that, I think all she needs next is her wings. I'm not sure if I'm dreading that or looking forward to it, to be quite honest... But I do know it's going to be a challenge to get those textures just right, especially getting them to look further back behind her without blurring them out or making them appear too detailed. This could be interesting...

"The Anatomy of Me: A Self Portrait" - Whimsical Painting

"The Anatomy of Me:  A Self Portrait"     8" x 10"     Acrylic on Gessobord

Detail of Owl from "The Anatomy of Me:  A Self Portrait"

Detail from Under the Sea from "The Anatomy of Me:  A Self Portrait"

 Not For Sale

But, if you'd like to see my available works or purchase a different painting, 

please go to the tab above labeled "Gallery of Available Works" and email me.

This is a self portrait that I've been working on for some time and that should have actually been done the week of my surgery. I know it's not a portrait in the traditional sense, but it's a peek into my life, my loves, and my passions and what is here on this canvas is truer to my heart than any painting of my physical appearance ever could have been. There are pieces of this that you won't quite understand, but that's part of the beauty of it in my opinion. And some of it is easy to explain. The lantern, for instance, represents my love of camping and spending time outdoors. The whale and ocean scene represent Monterey and the Aquarium, where many of our most special memories for our family have been formed, and will hopefully be revisited very soon. After all, we still need to make up for that botched summer vacation and we still have a few weeks left to try. =)  The owl is there because, well, I just absolutely LOVE owls, and same with the octopus. By the way, the octopus is stylized because when I was younger that's how I used to draw them for my friends, per their requests, and I wanted that aspect of my life to be shown here. There are so many more details with such deeper meanings than this, the tree, the pearl, the starry night sky, the clouds and the waves crashing upon the rocks - each and every element has its place in my heart and a reason for existing in this little world I created with paint and canvas. I wish I could share them all with you, but a girl has to keep a little mystery and intrigue about her, dontcha think?

All in all I really love the way this turned out in the end - I was scared there for a moment, not sure if I could get across exactly what I was going for, but I really do enjoy the way it turned out and it was quite the challenge for me to work on as well. My favorite part of it, well, other than the hidden meanings of course, was in putting so many pieces together into the one whole, with so many small and intricate details laced throughout it, and I honestly can't wait to do something similar to this on a much larger scale, even if I have no clue as to what I would actually do it of. Can you imagine how much I could fit into a scene as large as 48" x 60" if I actually did something like this? I mean, this painting here is only an 8"x10" - not my smallest work for sure, but still pretty small in comparison. Working on something so large would be utterly amazing - and perhaps a deal overwhelming - for me to undertake, but still, SOMEDAY...

Yes, someday I would absolutely love to do a really epic and involved piece, with details that just suck you in for minutes on end until you find yourself lost in it. I've always adored works like that by other artists - it's one of the most amazing aspects of art to me really - to lose one's self in it. But first I have to get over the fear of painting on and potentially ruining such as expensive as a large canvas. I just want to make sure that what I do is perfectly defined and drawn out long before I ever put paintbrush to palette near a canvas of that size. In a way it's silly, really, because I could always rework it until I really like it, but I still struggle with that fear as much as if it were a dog with his jaws clenched relentlessly around my ankle, unshakable and completely ferocious. Why I can't shake it, or when I will, I can't really say. But I sure do hope it's soon!

Do you ever struggle with fears like this? Or even better, have you ever overcome a fear that is similar to this one in some way? I'd love to hear from you, whether it's about something you've already dealt with or are still dealing with. God tells us to not be afraid - that the only thing worthy of fear is He himself. It makes sense - as He holds us securely in His hands and I know He's given me these gifts to use them, refine them, and to harness them to help out others, including my own family. I hate not being able to let go of my fears, my worries and my anxiety. I haven't been more aware of how much of a worrier I am than at my Doctors appointment this week. No, nothing was wrong - no losing of an organ this time! Instead, I'm actually participating in a Bio-Feedback program at the Chronic Pain Center, and while I was there with my Ty, we worked on breathing exercises. Apparently most people breathe slowly, deeply and with consistent timing. Most people also only take between 8 to 12 breaths a minute. Tyler definitely fits into this category. Me however? Oh no! Not me. I breathe so shallowly, quickly and inconsistently that Ty felt like he was going to hyperventilate during one of the tests where I was working on slowing down my breaths. I can't imagine how quickly he'd pass out if he had to breathe at my speed. After all, I take somewhere around 19 breaths a minute right now, which for a person without chronic pain is rather crazy, and for a person with chronic pain it's actually pretty normal. It's crazy how much stress, chronic pain and anxiety change the way your body actually functions on a regular basis. I can't even get close to breathing as slowly as Tyler right now - it's going to take months before then!

Well, it's in moments of awareness like this that open my eyes to how much I am truly unable to let go of my fears or worries no matter what they're about. Even in my art - my go-to "stress reducer" that helps me unwind and close out the rest of the world. Well, at least knowing all this will help me to come to the place where I can actually produce change in my life, I just wish the change was already here. And I imagine this might sound silly to some of you, but I wonder if it would help me to glaze a large canvas right off the bat just so the stark whiteness of it can no longer stare me so harshly in the face? It's worth a shot. And I imagine that just sitting down and drawing something out - facing my fear head on and attacking it before it permanently cripples me - perhaps that would help. I'll let you know what works if I ever do tackle the really gigantic canvases. They just look so amazing, don't you think?

It's getting late and I should probably let you go. I hope you have a wonderful day and hey, if you can you should try to stay tuned this week - I have a few more finished works that I'll be posting up here shortly and I'd love to be able to share them with you. They're little tiny ones too! In the meantime, take care of yourself, okay? God bless!

"Windswept" - A Portrait Drawing in All It's Stages =)

"Windswept"     5" x 5.5"     Graphite on Paper

I started this drawing years ago, back in 2009 while I was taking a drawing class at LMC, the community college in my area. Our teacher had us create 3 finished works every week in our sketchbooks, trying to get us to really get into the habit of drawing, as well as proving to us that the more you draw the better you get. I loved that practice, and honestly I don't know why I haven't kept it up. After all, your drawing skills or lack thereof can be critically important when you're trying to paint things realistically, and like most things, and as I said before, the more you practice the better you get!

With my pain mounting and growing more and more intense each and every day, painting just hasn't quite been in the works for me these last few weeks. I felt a bit better earlier today, but by tonight things had taken a turn for the worse. My pain level is back in the 8-9 range, albeit sporadically, waxing and waning, growing more intense and then loosening up. It's honestly quite terrifying for me and my family, as we just don't want to face another full blown flare right now. I thought I'd be better by June. I thought my pain would go down so quickly as the weather warmed up that I would feel pretty amazing right now, and would be able to live with less intense drugs to ease my pain. But not only are my hopes shattered, I am actually facing what might be the beginning of another miserable flare, and I'm scared. I'm just so scared.

So in an attempt to get my mind off of how much I hurt and how much I fear what is going on in my body and how it's taking such a deep toll on my life and my family, I decided to pick this drawing back up and start making some changes to it in order to make it more realistic. The finished version is the one at the top, and I included two different stages below in order to capture the progression of it from start to finish. The funny thing is that I actually like how it looks in each stage it went through, and I love the fact that even though there's only one original drawing, I can still make prints of the others if I so desire, or if someone wants to purchase one. That's pretty stinkin' awesome

So here's how it looked back in 2009, in a much more simplified style. I was attempting to create a feeling of mystery within this piece, and I just love her piercing eyes, though they are far from perfect. Apparently my skills have increased since then, which is a bit odd since I haven't drawn much in the time between then and now. I guess that painting increases your skills in drawing in the same way that drawing improves your paintings. I never knew it worked like that, but it's pretty remarkable how that works. =)

Although she is flawed, I still like the overall feeling of this piece. Mysterious, filled with longing, and quite intense.

 

 

As I went along with my drawing, I wanted to add in more features that make it seem more life-like. All the little subtleties of soft highlights and gentle shadows that make up the smooth surface of a woman's face. Her eyes grew dark in this version somehow, making her a bit too daunting and formidable for my taste, as if she hungers for revenge. Or rather than revenge, perhaps she is filled with sorrow, her eyes cloudy and filled with anguish. She looks as though she is holding back as much as possible, but despite her efforts, she is barely keeping in her tears. Soon they will overflow into great pools of sorrow. I love the open-ended story here. I'm sure you can come up with your own.

I am glad my Ty pointed out how aggressive her eyes appeared to be in this one, so that I could soften them up and try to retain some of the mystery and gentle intensity. I know that's quite the oxymoron, but it works. I saw it immediately after he said it, and had he not pointed it out for me, this one would have been THE final product. I love how Ty is my greatest critic. He's so truthful and sometimes painfully honest, and if I handle his critiques well and use his advise to help me grow as an artist, I always end up with a better piece in the end. Like I've said before on here, sometimes you just need an extra set of eyes to show you what you're missing.

I would love if you could pray for me and my family right now. If this flare ends up REALLY flaring up, I just don't know how we'll all handle it. I suppose we'll get through it one day at a time, but I would love to spare my boys the hurt that they experienced during my last flare when it looked like mommy didn't love them because I was so crippled I couldn't play with them or even hold them because of how my nerve receptors were over-firing whenever anyone touched me, producing screaming pain that left me weeping. Please pray for wisdom for my doctor tomorrow, who I'm hoping to get an urgent appointment with to get a pain relieving shot. It's one of the only methods that actually kicks my pain down enough for me to function. And I would love if you could pray for wisdom for our family too, as we will be struggling to figure everything out if things go south.

God willing, this will pass before it gets any worse. Thank you, my friends, for caring and praying and just all that you do to support me through this. Even just the fact that you are there, listening to me vent and open up my heart to you means more to me than you could possibly imagine. So thank you. Thank you for everything. =)

"Weary" - A Portrait Drawing

"Weary"     4" x 5.25"     Graphite on Paper

After all this time of having a blog, I can't believe I've never posted even one of my drawings! Truth is, I absolutely love to draw! In fact, some of my favorite memories revolve around drawing. Like when I was just a little girl and my mom bought me a sketchbook -I loved to spend my afternoons curled up with it in my lap or laying on the ground in front of me while I would lay tummy-side down on the floor with my feet dangling up in the air, as most little girls like to do, and I would fill it up with drawing after drawing. Placing my hopes and dreams on the pages - imaginations of different worlds and fairytale lands, as well as observations of our own world around me.

I'm still a sucker for a brand new sketchbook, and I know I always will be. To me they are filled with all the possibility in the world wrapped up so neatly in their clean, crisp pages. I love the smell, the feel, the weight of it in my hands. I love running my fingers over the untouched pages, dreaming up ways to fill it with life. Perhaps over the next few weeks I can share some of my imaginations with you, in order to give you an idea of how I like to express myself with this lovely medium. I truly hope you will enjoy this different aspect of my artistry. =)

And I won't lie, part of the reason I want to post my drawings right now is simply because of how awful I've been feeling. I've been trying so hard to get myself into the studio lately, but I just can't do it. My fibro has taken another turn for the worse these last few weeks, and it's been especially hard on me and my family. My days are filled with exhaustion, where no matter how much I sleep at night, which lately has been in the 12-14 hr. range, I still fall asleep multiple times a day, drifting off immediately when I sit down, and almost dozing off even while I'm standing. My poor husband has been left having to carry the load all by himself all over again, and it hurts me to see him struggle so as a result of my sickness. I've had a significant and steady increase in my pain as well, which means that my work is for naught - my meds need to be going back up. Worst of all is that fact that I've had a greatly lessened ability to watch and play with my boys. It breaks my heart!!! And it scares me so very, very much. I don't want this for my life. No one would.

I honestly thought I'd be so much better by now, but these last few weeks have been such a hard punch to my own perception of how things are. I finally realized that I've been in denial - which manifested itself mostly in my attempts to lower my medications because I believed I was finally doing okay. But I really wasn't. In fact, I've been far from okay. I've only been capable of watching my boys two full days a week, and I pay for it so badly that the next week Grandma has to watch them for me because I have to recover. And now we've had two weeks in a row that I haven't been able to care for them. It's awful! So I hope you can understand why I haven't been around much these last few weeks, neigh, these last few months. I keep thinking I'm doing so well, but in truth, I'm just not. But I will not give in to hopelessness or despair! I know God has a plan for me even in this - that He is teaching me what love and long suffering and patience truly are. He is also trying to teach me gratitude, and how to be encouraging and graceful to others, even if I'm feeling at my worst. I have so very much more to learn, but I know with God's strength He will lead me in the path of righteousness. Now all I have to do is follow.

So if you don't see me around much in the next few weeks, I am truly sorry - trust me, I wish with all my heart that I could feel well enough to paint and keep up with my blog. I will try my hardest though to push through this little flare and to get back up on my feet. And until then, I shall draw. =)

And just so you know, I do commissions! If you're interested in purchasing an original portrait from me of you, your family, or your sweet little baby, why not email me and let me know. They make wonderful presents for loved ones, whether for an anniversary, a wedding, a birthday, and for just about any occasion or celebration you can think of. And I love making them, so you know I will put plenty of time and love and attention into it, creating the perfect piece for you, whether it's intended to be a gift for someone you love or a gift for yourself. =)