"The Wire Zombie" - An Update on Me and My Health - AGAIN... Lol! =0)

Haha, oh man, I know I keep saying I'm going to try to start painting or drawing more consistently, but I this year has just been absolutely brutal for me. I recently had some HUGE updates on my health, so if you missed any of them, here they are: I found out that as far as people with Fibromyalgia go, not pain scale, but seriousness scale, I'm as bad as it ever can get. I also found out the same goes for my Myofascial Pain, and that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that is out of this world to boot. But, on a weirdly positive note, if you can see it this way, as I'm choosing to do, I found out something today that might change everything, and that explains so very, very much as far as all of my health is concerned!!!

We did a miserable sleep study a week and a half ago - miserable for me in that they woke me up at 6am (I DO NOT DO 6AM!) and then had me sleep for 2 hours and then stay awake for 2 hours back and forth. Problem was, they couldn't even try to keep me awake - and it was as if they had never seen anyone like that before. The nurse would come in and tell me to find an activity I could do that would keep me awake for the full 2 hours, but my problem was, that's exactly WHY I was there. There is nothing I can do that CAN keep me awake. She was so perplexed, like I was some oddity, and I couldn't figure it out.

...That is, until the specialist called today. She immediately said the words I've come so accustomed to hearing, "Your test restults were absolutely astounding in a number of ways!" (Gee, aren't I the "if it can happen it will happen to you" girl? Haha!) Anyways, she went on to tell me that I have quite the intense case of obstructive sleep apnea - so much so that they weren't even able to test me for Narcolepsy because of it. Apparently it's severe enough that I'm waking up EVERY 3 MINUTES ALL NIGHT LONG!!! That's absolutely INSANE!

So if you can, I would love for some prayer, because the next few months could get a little interesting. I have to go back for at least one other sleep study to be fitted for a CPAP machine to wear at night. It's the same breathing machine poor little Levi had to wear when he was born prematurely, because his lungs weren't developed all the way. So I'm a little scared due to PTSD, to be honest, and could use prayer to calm the anxiety, and yet at the same time I'm also sooo very thankful that God is faithfully providing sooo many answers for us right now. So now we know why I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so badly, and potentially may be able to help fix some of my pain issues if we can get me even an ounce of Restorative Sleep.

So if you will, will you pray with me, and praise God for the answers, the validation, the new avenues to follow, and for the peace and trust in Him to give it all up to Him to handle, without anxiety or worries of my own? Thank you all so much - you have no idea how much you all mean to me - I thank God for you and your powerful prayers that have helped keep this family together each and every day! Thank you and God bless!!! =D

Oh, and just so you can get a good laugh, here you go. A chilling glimpse at the scarcely seen "Wire Zombie", and her better side, seen only on good days. Hope you get a good laugh out of this, because I'm sure this is going to bite me in the bootie sometime in the future:

I felt so terribly miserable that night, can you tell. But then again, that's how I feel just about most of the time... =P

A much happier version of me and my super hot hunk of a husband. Oh man, he's crazy gorgeous, right!?!

"Walking Among the Dandelion Wisps," "J & J's Wedding Tree," and an Update on my Health and Life

ATTENTION: DUE TO MAJOR HEALTH ISSUES I'VE BEEN GONE FOR QUITE SOME TIME, AND I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT LETTING YOU KNOW SOONER.  I HOPE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT THE ONLY REASON I DIDN'T POST THIS SOONER WAS LITERALLY OUT OF SHEER PAIN, WEAKNESS, AND EXHAUSTION. I SOOO WANT TO TRY TO GET BACK INTO THE DISCIPLINE OF PAINTING AND CREATING DAILY, THOUGH I DOUBT I'LL BE ABLE TO DO IT EVERY DAY, BUT PERHAPS WITH SOME LUCK AND AN INSANE AMOUNT OF DISCIPLINE I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET BACK TO POSTING MORE REGULARLY, DESPITE MY SILLY PAIN.

"Walking Among the Dandelion Wisps"     3.5" x 5"     Oil Pastel on Paper

Hi there, if there is anyone out there who still might possibly follow my blog anymore or check it from time to time. I am so sorry for my straight up abandonment of my little artistic oasis here - I can't even begin to tell you how horribly sick I've been this year, nor do I want to bore you with all my complaining. So if you're interested in reading an update on what's going on with my health - a TON has changed unfortunately - then read on through to the bottom of the post. If not, I'm just going to post my paintings up top for those more interested in the art and not so much an expose on my health.

I've gone through such feelings of loss, and then feelings of guilt because I think of those people out there who have things worse off than I do. But I still can't shake that feeling. I'm not really making art anymore - it takes so much effort to do so - it just hurts way too much most of the time, though I have had some blissful moments to create. Plus, when I feel even a tiny bit good, I want to try to love on my kids and family, because I miss them sooo! But like I said, I have had some chances to create, and so here are some of the things I did this year, but up until now I just didn't quite feel up to posting them by the time I was done.

PROJECT #1

"Walking Among the Dandelion Wisps" in my Awesome Mini Art Journal - I LOVE that thing!!!

So I'm not quite finished with this one yet - and honestly, it really was just supposed to be a simple sketch to see if I wanted to make a painting of it and OH YES, I DO!!! There's something about the combination of the colors that is soothing and riveting for me - I'm not at all trying to toot my own horn, trust me - I've been feeling like a terrible artist lately, but for some reason this piece really speaks to me, even though I made it. I always feel a little guilty when I'm proud of my own work - any other artists out there struggle with that? 

By the way, this idea for this pastel painting was taken from one of my sister's beautiful picture's that she had taken while up in the mountains. So thank you sis for letting me use that!!!  

PROJECT #2

This is a Wedding Tree, done in collaboration with the mother of the groom, Paula, and the groom himself, Jeremy, who wanted a very specific layout being an artist himself as well. The space that was left blank on the left side was done so on purpose so that they could put the bride and groom's thumbprints there standing up together, in paint, and make them into little love birds, adding a veil and sparkling diamond to the bride and a hat and bow-tie to the groom. Isn't that sweet?

"J & J's Cherry Blossom Wedding Tree"     11" x 14"     Acrylic on Belgium Linen Hardboard (which was like absolutely 

to work with!)

I'm not sure if you can see it anywhere on the tree above, but I hide my signature leaf insignia and a heart in the branches as well. Also, there's a few Dandelions (can you find them all?), a Snail, and Two Mushrooms. I added the Dandelion with floating wisps to signify the dreams they have that they are sharing with each other as they start this new journey together. The two Mushrooms, one big, one small, was to represent the groom shielding her from the storms that will rage ahead, as he is her protector now, and you can see the little one moving in, seeking that protection, cuddling close to her love. As for the Snail, well, he's just kinda gonna be my trademark. I think you'll be seeing him and little Inch-Worm a lot more often in my paintings from here on out... =0)

Detail with Branches

I'm not sure why the photo above is so pink - I kept trying to change the color balance and hue on it but it just wouldn't give, so you'll just have to imagine it like the picture below. The background was completely white with a little bit of texture so that there would be texture in the people's thumbprints as they were using paint.

Close-Up Detail of the Bottom of the Tree

FOR THOSE INTERESTED IN AN UPDATE ON MY HEALTH:

This last year has been quite a doozy, let me tell ya!

So over this year my symptoms have been widening and my pain has been worsening and unrelenting, meaning I haven't had a break this entire year for more than 5-6 days tops, whereas last year I would get my pain down to a tolerable level (say in the 3-5 range or the 5-7 range) for weeks and months, but this year it's been a steady 8-10, and if I'm lucky I get the 6-7 range instead for a bit. But that's not all - my Myofascial Pain, Fibro, and other disorders have made a new and very perplexing friend.

At first I swore it was MS (Multiple Sclerosis), because I would wake up completely paralyzed for hours, unable to speak beyond the tiniest whisper. Then I started having spells where I would fall asleep or pass out in the middle of doing things - whether talking to someone, walking across the room, instantly after sitting down - it was terrifying! Even this week I walked into the middle of the room, stopped and just stood there. I heard Ty talking to me and saw the room but he said my head was down and my eyes were shut - I fell asleep standing in the middle of the room at 8pm - and I'm a night owl!!! It was kinda creepy! He guided me to the couch, laid me down and I woke up the next morning - so weird!!! Anyways, so we got the testing done, saw a Neurologist, did multiple sleep studies and MRI's (in fact, I still have one more sleep study coming up - the 24 hour one inside a monitored room - that's gonna be interesting!) and I was happy to find out that at least I don't have MS!

And of course, as all things go, the Neurologist asked if during the sleep spells I had ever fallen - I had said, "Nope, not yet." Then, of course, as Murphy's Law would have it, the next night after seeing him I had my first fall and it would have been even worse if we hadn't already been scheduled for acupuncture the following morning (Praise the LORD for that!!!). I hit my shoulder blade hard againt the tub, as well as my hip and my head, screamed in agony, then screamed repeatedly for Ty who was asleep in the attached room, but couldn't wake him in the end and ended up passing out again from the sheer pain of it all. I woke up about 5 hours later in screaming pain as the sun was peaking it's sleepy head over the horizon. From then on I've fallen quite a few more times (it's quite terrifying) - and even though Ty is super quick to spot me when I look like I'm going to pass out now, we still miss a few and I white out and end up passed out in strange places. As you can see, it's been straight-up crazy over here!

So this year's been quite a drastic and scary shift from last year for me and my family, and frankly I'm having a hard time trying not to be terrified about this coming fall and winter since they are always sooo much harder than the rest of the year, but I know deep down in my heart that I should just have faith in Jesus and know that He is in control no matter what, because it's true. However, sometimes those truths, though comforting at times and at other times the pure air that you breathe, well, sometimes they can also feel so foreign and underwhelming - even though you want them to give you comfort and rest and ease, for some odd reason, it can feel like reading a book where all the words are out of order and nothing makes sense. These last 4 years have most definitely challenged my faith - but I am grateful to say that I will ALWAYS hold fast to my creator, my counselor, my almighty King, my Joy, my Life, and my Lord, JESUS CHRIST. Without Him, there is no way on earth I would be here this day with all of you. But I would love some prayer that I would be passionate in my walk with Him each day, and that I would fully trust in this Word:

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, 

I am he who will sustain you.

 I have made you and I will carry you;

 I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

Isaiah 46:4

It's hard to believe at times that God will sustain me and carry me and rescue me when honestly for most of my life I've felt abandoned. It's one thing to say that you believe and you trust and it's a whole different thing to live in pain every single day (pschological, emotional, physical) and try to believe that the upcoming hard months are going to be easier, and then despite that TO CHOSE TO BELIEVE THAT because you KNOW GOD IS LOVE. For I know that God is pushing me to learn to truly trust in Him with all my heart, pushing me to grow, to change, to become more like him, to polish off all the rough edges (boy are there a lot of those!). But I need to trust Him to sustain me, carry me, and most of all RESCUE ME with ALL OF MY HEART. May God's will be done and not my own.

I pray God blesses you today/tonight - that he carries you when you are weary, that he sustains you when you feel broken and when you feel like you can't possibly go on , that He would provide for you in your times of need in amazing and miraculous ways, and that if YOU need to be rescued, that HE WOULD RESCUE YOU! All you have to do is ask. The Lord says, "Come near to [Me]* and [I]* will come near to you." James 4:8a NIV  (*Me was substituted for God and *I was substituted for He in the brackets within the verse). That's seriously one of my favorite verses of all time. And there's so much weight to it. No matter what you've done, or how far away you feel from God, all you have to do is draw closer to Him, pray, get out your Bible, dust it off and flip open the cover and read - perhaps the Psalms, or Matthew or Philippians, and start a conversation with God. That verse has helped me soooo many times when I felt my soul running dry. I pray it helps you too. So I hope your day/night is going well and I truly hope to see you more often now. Man, I sure miss this place (if you can't tell be the ridiculously long posts - don't worry - the posts will be WAAAYYY shorter here on out! And I most of all I miss all my internet friends and buddies!!! May God bless you and keep you. HAPPY CREATING EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

Some Photos from Our Trip to Montana a Few Weeks Ago

Today I just thought I'd post some pics from our trip to Montana a few weeks ago. I have to say, for me, that vacation took the prize for being worst vacation EVER - including the time we went without power during those horrible storms a few years back where we were stuck in a cabin for days with 13 people - talk about feeling cramped and dirty. Yup. It even beat that. But even though the flu took no pity on us, we did have a wonderful last day that I will treasure forever. I think the whole fiasco was worth it even just for that one day for me. It was just me and Ty and our boys out at the beach, and it was spectacular! See for yourself:

This boat was just so gorgeous against a background of blue. I can't wait to paint this!

BIG SKY Country indeed!

Levi giving Owen some loves here - how he loves his best friend!

My littlest love bug   =D

Me and my love - I can't wait to steal away with him and the boys to Monterey to make even more beautiful memories with just the four of us. It's hard to believe we've never been on a vacation with just us before, and I think it's far overdue! Now if I could just stop losing organs so we can actually attempt it... =0)

I was absolutely captivated by the way the water kept sweeping and swirling over the gorgeous and colorful rocks that lined the shores of Flathead Lake. I have so many shots similar to this one, where the rippling water made abstract designs that were just breathtaking, and I can't wait to show you more of them, but for now I need to take a little break from editing. And much like the lovely red boat, this one is also calling my name, begging to be painted. It almost looks painted already in my opinion, and I can't wait to see what it looks like as a print. I think what I like most of all is the little ghost rock in this one. It's so cute! =0)

For once I'm actually really enjoying editing my pictures from our trips, so hopefully I'll have some more edits to show you. Normally it's something I both look forward to and dread, but this time, perhaps since we were all so sick that we barely took any pictures, well this time it's been so much fun. Like I said, if I get the chance I'll be adding more up here, and you can be sure to see some of them turned into paintings as well. That red boat is just calling my name, don't you think? =D

Oh Man, What a Week!

Oh man, this week has been quite the ride for us over here. On Tuesday night I started feeling a new pain in my lower abdomen which I knew couldn't be good considering how much we're already having to medicate for my fibromyalgia (or as one of the nurses called FibroMalaysia - the service was beyond sub-par, but that's another matter entirely!), at 1:30am we drove down to the ER which was strangely empty, and by 4am on Wednesday morning I was being wheeled into the operating room to be prepped for surgery. I woke up about 40 minutes after they wheeled me out of surgery, which was far too soon by their standards, but I was in pain and I freaked out because my family had gone home. I kept asking for my husband, but because we weren't expecting all this to happen, the poor guy had gone home at the behest of the surgeon who promised I'd be out for at least 3 or 4 more hours. Thus started my almost 2 day hospital stay that was definable my worst experience thus far with the medical industry, with nurses who never came to help me to the restroom, such severe under-medicating and lack of treatment that we had to get the heads-of-dept. involved just to sort things out. It was a nightmare, a true living nightmare, complete with agonizing screams, sobs and complete and utter disbelief that the hospital was run as poorly as it was. Honestly, I can't even begin to tell you how good it felt to FINALLY get home after it all.

Before this rather sudden emergency, I was in the middle of some really wonderful projects that I am just dying to tell you about, but as you can imagine I'm a bit laid up for the moment. I'm still working on getting back to eating normally again, though climbing the stairs is getting easier and I can almost bend down without too much pain. I can't wait to be able to lift up my boys and snuggle them (still a whole 'nother week and a half! It's so heartbreaking to tell Levi not to hug me because he's right where my stitches are or to see little Owie trying to climb up my legs so I can hold him!). I so want to give them loves and play until I can't possibly play anymore, but for now I'm working on trying to get stronger and stronger for them so I can do all those things. If you are expecting any works soon, I am so sorry - I hope you don't mind me taking a tad longer on them, but I'm just not up to staying up late painting yet. But I will try my hardest to get them to you as soon as possible! In the meantime, I'm still trying to get back to sitting up comfortably, though I'm healing up more and more each and every day and I hope to get back to my easel as soon as I possibly can. Until then, I wish you all a good morrow. God bless and happy painting to you! =)

"This Little Piggy" - A Figurative Painting by Melissa Adams

"This Little Piggy"     5" x 7"     Acrylic on Museum Quality Claybord

I just love little baby toes, don't you? I couldn't resist painting Owen's sweet little feet when I stumbled across this shot I took of him as a newborn the other day. Have a great one, my friends!  =)

Breaking the Block

"Self Portrait"     Photography courtesy of Tyler Adams, Edited by Melissa Adams

I'm not really sure why, but for some reason lately I've really been struggling with my self-image as it pertains to my art, and as it pertains to my role as a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, and of course as a child of God. You've probably noticed the physical proof of this in the form of me being rather absent from my blog of late, for which I am really and truly sorry. I've been healing up quite nicely these last few weeks since we last talked, and this week for the first time in months I was able to watch both boys for a whole day, which is huge for me, albeit pretty sad if you think about it. I feel like I'm waking up from a dream. A wretchedly horrible dream filled with pain and self pity, agony of heart, soul and body, and I am overwhelmed with a feeling of disbelief that these last few months really happened. It's shocking to me how bad things got. How I was so incapable of taking care of myself that my husband had to bathe me. That his dad had to carry me upstairs to put me to bed at night. That my children couldn't touch me without causing me to gasp and cry out in pain. That I was basically on bed-rest for months, and my only escape from the house was to go to the doctors or go to my pain class. It's just so surreal.

But coming out of all this, it's just as strange. I'm having a hard time grasping reality. And having a hard time with my new role as a mother again, though I am head over heals in love with my boys and overjoyed at the prospect of being able to have them home with me once more. I'm taking it slow, so very, very slow, but on Tuesday I was able to take care of them all on my own and it was amazing. Simply and wonderfully amazing!

What's strange to me now is that when I was so terribly sick with my fibro that I felt absolutely no guilt in spending time painting. I knew for a fact that it was for my own health and benefit, since God used it as a form of therapy for me to get through the most trying moments of my life. But now that I'm starting to regain strength and the ability to walk and lift my boys, and hold them without too much pain, I feel so guilty wanting to spend time in painting that I've come to a veritable stand-still with it. I just can't get myself to jump this hurdle and get back on the horse. And what's weird is that we all know how good painting is for me. But even with that knowledge, I feel like if I spend time working on art now, that I'm a failure. It doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel. Granted, most of these last few days I haven't made it past 9pm without collapsing in a heap of exhaustion on the couch or the bed, but even during naps, or free time, I just can't get myself to pick up a brush. It's so frustrating!

But then I got an email from a woman I deeply admire, who's art has always inspired me from the moment I saw it. Her name is Suzanne Berry, and her work is astoundingly beautiful. Click here to visit her blog - I assure you that you won't be disappointed! Well, to my utter shock and sheer delight this woman who I've looked up to for so very long was actually kind enough to write to me and encourage me to look past these feelings that are holding me back and just get to work. I just about peed my pants when I saw her letter in my inbox, and to see a second one had me running to my husband in delight just so I could show him it. =) So today I am determined to break through this block and to run with it. To look deep inside myself and find the lies that my mind is feeding me, and to work past them so I can get back to work myself. I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time with this, other than the obvious fact that I have massive mommy guilt, but I really don't want to give in and let these thoughts control me. After all, the boys are away today at their God-mothers house and I have the time to ease up on myself and get back to my easel without feeling guilt, and yet something is still holding me back. Is it fear of failure? Fear that I'm just not that good? Fear that nobody cares about my art and that I'm just wasting my time? Well, I suppose it's all of those combined, plus some, and yet I know that in the end, even if there is truth to those words, I don't have to let them be my reality or stop me from dreaming big. I can do this. I need to do this. Not only for me, but for my family as well. I am an artist, and to create is a passion God put in me for a purpose. He gave me these talents, and when the end comes and I am standing at His feet, I don't want to stand there empty handed, with Him disappointed at me for not putting to work the gifts He gave me. I want to be able to lay an abundance at His feet, and thank Him for giving me such beautiful gifts so that I could use them as an investment for Him, and so that someday I can present Him with ten-fold the amount He gave unto me.

So my hope for today or perhaps even tomorrow is that I'll be able to post a new creation of mine, even if it only gets partially done, because I really want to break free from the bondage of fear that is holding me back and keeping me from pursuing the dreams and desires that God has sewn into my heart. I am sure you all have dealt with this at some point in time as well, and I would love to hear from you what you did to overcome such vicious thoughts and be victorious over your fears. Perhaps on days like these it's good to be like a child, to look inside ourselves and discover what is holding us back from being the vibrant, beautiful, and worthy creation that God has intended for us to be. Because I don't want to hold myself back - I have enough people trying to do that for me already, that I don't need to add to it. I want to shine for my God, to do good works for Him and be a light for Him. And I want to do that through my art. How about you? Are you holding back on your dreams out of fear? Will you trust in God with me, and look deep into your heart to find His peace that overcomes all fear, so that when you look in the mirror, you can do so with all the joy and wonder and possibilities that a child has within their own precious little souls.

I still struggle with the ability to have the faith of a child. Even though I know that God wants me to paint, that He gave me this gift for a reason, I still sit in fear, paralyzed from doing exactly what God wants me to do. Oh how I pray that some day, I will be just like a little child to God, never fearing, always trusting, and always letting Him lead the way. For He has said, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3-4) Oh how I wish to have such complete faith and trust in the Lord that I would be able to grasp His hand and let Him lead me wherever He wants me to go, without a worry or care in the world, and without fear that I just can't do it. After all, if it's God's will for me, then He will carry me if I only let Him. I pray for those of you reading this that you too would have such trust and faith in God that you would reach out your hand in the dark, and let Him direct your path, as I am trying to do the same in my own walk with Him. May you find courage and strength in our Lord today in all that you do, and may God bless you abundantly for that!

And happy painting everyone! =)

"Looking Deep Within"     Child Photography by Melissa Adams

He Restores My Soul - How God Has Used Psalm 23 to Get Me Through These Last Few Months

When I first started feeling this ridiculously deep level of pain in my life, I knew in my heart it was time to study some scriptures that I knew would be a lifeline to me when all I could do was lie curled in a ball or as stiff as can be because I couldn't even move from the intensity of the hurt all over me, and in me emotionally as well. So I looked up Psalm 23, because in some part of me I knew that God wanted those words to hold me up when I couldn't do it myself.

So I set out to memorizing the words of that verse, each and every one of them. I read them over and over each and every day, trying to remember just one line more until I knew each and every word. It's not a very long Psalm, so it's not like it's a big feat or anything, but I'm not so great at memorizing even though I wish I were, and I just really felt that I needed to memorize it in whole. And it just so happened God wanted to use all of it to speak to me at different times throughout the months to follow, and I hold to each and every promise in it.

There came a point in memorizing Psalm 23 when it started changing for me. I was beginning to get in such great pain that it was as if at least 3 layers of skin had been shaved off my body with a ragged blade and like a dog was literally gnawing on my hips, on my bones; gnawing with his teeth ever so violently! It was when my pain was raw and biting, dull and aching, piercing, fierce and unrelenting. Honestly, it still is, though I've been given some tools to help curb it's effects on me now. It was a time when I was feeling so much more pain on top of this, the type that's actually indescribable for me, and then to top it off I couldn't move when I woke up in the mornings - sometimes for 3 hours. I've had FAR too many mornings where I've woken up feeling like a quadrapeligic for a few hours (and trust me, only a few short hours is long enough! I can't imagine a lifetime of it, though it saddens me to think of it.) where no matter how hard I tried, I could only move my fingers and my toes. I'm still going through this, though it takes less time to manage it (I think I recently had an hours tops, most days it's down to 15 -30 minutes, which is hugely great!). But when these verse changed for me were during this time back in the deep of winter where no matter how hard I screamed at my muscles to move, they just wouldn't listen and I would just sob and cry in terror on my bed for hours on end, trying to scream to Tyler down in the living room below to come help me, but with him unable to hear me through the closed door and fan, and the little boys and music playing all about him as well. Those hours were so terrifying and horrible - they were like hell for me. I'd scream for help, but no one could hear me. I would try to scream harder, but I was so weak that honestly, my scream really was only a weak wimper. I would shout at my arms to move even a little bit, so that I could slowly get them to the headboard to knock on it so Ty might at least hear that, but nothing. It was in those hellish hours that God's sweet voice would calm me down and get me through it. He taught me to move past the point of simply memorizing scripture and thinking about it through the day to the point of meditating upon it, and letting it envelope my senses and my soul.


So it was in those excruciatingly long and horrifying hours, where I was all alone with no hope of salvation from even my own husband who was yet a simple yell away, it was then that the Lord opened up these verses to me anew and I heard them much like this:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want...

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want...

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures... Hmm, in green pastures.

Softly now. He makes me lie down in green pastures. Even softer still, imagining the tall blades of grass sweeping tenderly across my face in the gentle breeze, with the warm rays of sunlight drifting slowly over me and warming my body and my soul, it's light brilliant yet so pleasant on that warm spring day. The trees are gently swaying and the leaves are softly humming their little crinkling song...

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. Hmm... Yes. Green Pastures, I repeat with a smile on my face.

He leads me beside quiet waters. Beside. Quiet. Waters. I hear the stream beside me, the water trickling and dancing over the pebbles, as it sings it's own tender melodies as the drops and gallons drift along their course. The sweet symphony of noises all around me coupled with the sounds of the green meadow that envelope me form this harmonious whole, so pleasing to behold and so fulfilling to your heart that you want to stay in this moment forever. For me, I see the mountains hemming me in as well, their slopes lined with trees gently swaying in the breeze, adding to the symphony of sweet yet gentle noises that breathe their songs into me.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me.

YOU are with me. Yes... You are with me.

I just sit with the truth of it all for awhile, soaking in it's promise in the best way that I could. YOU, the God of the Universe, are with me. You are with me.

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, You annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.   ~Psalm 23 (NIV)

Amen. Let it be - let it sink down into the deepest part of your soul and may the Lord let you lie down in green pastures and lead you beside quiet waters, that HE will restore your soul today. Let those words flow over you and through you today and always, and may you find comfort in His Almighty Arms!

An Update and a New Abstract Painting of My Journey Thus Far, Entiltled "For He Was My Light in Times of Trouble"

I got some answers at my Physical Therapy appt. yesterday that really helped ease at least some of my frustration. It seems that my hip and spine were twisted up pretty badly and all out of sorts from something I did at the girls conference - my hip joints weren't matching up in the back. So when I got home and got my cortisone shot to fix a different problem, it just set everything on fire. The Dr. took one look at my hip and back and said "I am so, so sorry! You must be in agony!" Thank the Lord for a compassionate Dr., who prayed for me and for wisdom in how to treat me, since I know how rare that is. She is amazing. I'm in incredible pain today - when she was done with me she asked me what type of meds I had at home and told me to take my strongest for the next day or so, but I am so glad to have some answers as to why this flare was so bad and what caused it. Now I'm just hoping that the next few weeks of recovery help fix this all, and that I can get back the feeling of normal, since I can't even remember what it feels like to not be in pain anymore.

On a sad note, I asked her what she thought about the prospect that I might have fibromyalgia, since every time she hits a tender spot (by gently pressing mind you) it makes me catch my breath in pain, and she is fairly positive that I do. Just about as positive as she could be. She said I really need to go get checked out by my physician, but told me not to lose hope, because it's not a death sentence. She must have seen the disappointment on my face. So now we'll be looking into that as we move forward, so if you have the chance, please pray for me that I get a compassionate and wise Dr. who can help figure all this out. I love you guys - thanks for listening to all my... well... baggage, I guess.

This painting today was what I pictured in my mind when the other day I posted "It Was Enough." As I was praying I felt God prompting me to try to get out how I'm feeling on canvas: all the darkness and despair, all the tears and pain and anger, the little glimmers of hope, but most of all, the fact that through all of it, no matter how hopeless or desperate or agonizingly painful things became, God's light and presence has always shown so brightly through it all, giving me hope and sustaining me. He is bigger than any problem I have and will ever face and his light will ALWAYS guide me through.

"For He Was My Light In Times of Trouble"     16 x 20     Acrylic on Gallery Wrapped Canvas

Side view of painted, wrapped sides

"It Was Enough" - Probably My Most Important Post Ever

This perhaps may be the most difficult post I will ever have to write, or at least it is the most difficult one so far. I've had so many reservations about writing this over the last few months because it's so personal, but today God overwhelmed me with an urgency to do so, so here I am. Please don't misunderstand the words that follow - I am not looking for sympathy or anything else, I just need to say this in hopes that it may help someone else. This is very raw, and from the heart, and if you can't handle truth and honesty, then don't read this.

The last three years have been the most difficult of my life. It all started in January of 2010, while I was 6 months pregnant with Levi (by the 10 month standard), when I suffered what I later found out was a gall-bladder attack, the first of many that would culminate into the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life on the night Levi was born. In February, during a routine prenatal visit, I was sent to L&D (labor and delivery) because my BP (blood pressure) was ridiculously high. Hours later it stabilized and they sent me home with a BP monitor and partial bedrest. Not much later, I was put on full bedrest (well, other than bathroom privileges) and a prescription as it were for bi-weekly NSTs (non-stress tests to make sure baby was alright). I kept suffering gall-bladder attacks (which had still been undiagnosed at this point) until one fateful Wednesday when the pain was so severe it had me throwing up and sobbing in a ball on the floor of my bathroom. I barely made it to the phone to call Tyler, and he rushed home and brought me to L&D. They admitted me and gave me morphine, which made the pain exponentially worse, and then sent me in for an ultrasound. That's when they found the gallstones and decided to keep me overnight until they could manage my pain. It seemed like nothing worked. They took two blood tests, one right away and another in the morning, which is why by the grace of God they discovered I had HELLP syndrome, a very rare disorder involving your blood and liver requiring almost instant removal of your baby in order to save your life.

They sent me by ambulance to Walnut Creek, where we delivered Levi two months early after three days of no food, barely any sleep, and the most intense pain ever. Labor pain was nothing compared to my gall bladder pain. Nothing. Seriously, I fell asleep between each contraction because I was so extremely exhausted, but the contractions felt good compared to the excrutiating pain that followed each one as my gall bladder flared.

Levi was alright, though not great, and had to be kept on an artificial breathing machine for over a week just to stay alive. I hemorrhaged and almost died - it was so bad that the nurse I had following delivery told me that she couldn't sleep all night she was so worried about me and honestly was surprised I made it. But by God's great goodness I did, and though I required a two-unit blood transfusion to make up for all the blood that I had lost and another half a week in the hospital to recover, I'm still here. =)

We stayed in the NICU for nearly two months, two of the emotionally worst months of both Tyler and my life, but we did come home with a sweet, healthy baby boy in the end, so praise God for that! I will never be the same after all that.

Fast forward a year and a half, and I got an overwhelming urge to get pregnant again. And this was after a "scare" a few months earlier that brought me to my knees in fear that we might have gotten pregnant, because I just didn't think I could do it again. But God changes hearts, and with much prayer and deep consideration we decided to try again. I think after that, Tyler sneezed on me and I got pregnant, because it was seriously the very first try that worked. I know how blessed I am in this, please understand this, because I have so many friends who aren't so lucky.

We were excited and a bit scared when we found out we were pregnant, as you must imagine one would be after everything we went through with our first, but we found comfort in our God and the fact that He so immediately answered our prayers for another child. By the time I hit 16 weeks things started going downhill, and by 19 weeks I was miserable. My BP was out of control, and my Dr. was extremely worried - so much so that he couldn't hide it from his face. He sent me to L&D and the Dr. there was less than comforting - she told us to get prepared to lose our little one, because it just did not look good and they might force us to make a choice to save my life by aborting our child. There is no way on earth we would have done that, and thank God we weren't forced to make that choice! I was so terrified for our son - I couldn't handle losing him! I was so worried that things were going to go even worse than they had with Levi, and in a way they did.

I suffered infection after infection during my pregnancy with Owen, ones that caused such extreme pain and discomfort that Tyler was forced to work from home to take care of me and to top it off, the antibiotics would only work for a week or so before the infection would come back. My blood pressure was soaring, but labile (meaning it would get extremely high but then after a few hours would stabilize) so I was put on medicine, partial bedrest and twice weekly NST's again, and all at the early stage of 26 weeks. The nurses said I was one of the very, very few patients that they had ever had come so early to them, and trust me, it wasn't much fun going to the Drs. so often, but what can you do?

It was during this time that I decided Isaac would be Owen's middle name. I was so afraid he wouldn't make it, that I wouldn't make it, and that I would never hear his laughter that I thought the name meaning "He laughs" would be my prayer request to God. Plus, it reminded me to try to find the joy in the situation, to try to be like Job who in his anger and his misery did not sin against the Lord by charging him with wrong doing.

I was miserable! Honestly, more miserable than I had ever been during my pregnancy with Levi, and I had almost died with him. I couldn't understand why God was putting me through this. Why He was putting our family through this. I was in constant pain, so much so I could hardly walk, and by the time I hit 26 weeks I was praying God would put me into labor just to get the baby out of me. And I've been in the NICU... I know what I was asking for. I cried myself to sleep night after night, and by 32 weeks I started getting braxton hicks. I was elated. They continued off and on, getting stonger and stronger until they were strong enough to bring us to the hospital. By 33 weeks I was dilated 2 cm, and by 34 I was dilated 3 cm. I couldn't wait to go into labor. But the contractions kept coming harder and harder without dilating me any more, and my blood pressure kept rising higher and higher, and my Dr. kept sending me in to be induced with L&D just sending me home 4 to 6 hours later that I finally broke down. I became so angry with God that I honestly, and this is where I am going to get really raw, I honestly debated taking my own life. It was that bad. Every time I went in to get induced and then got sent home still as pregnant and in as much agony as before broke me down farther and farther until I couldn't take it anymore.

I was so angry with God. Why would he do this to me? Why torture me with the hope of these contractions and then have them amount to nothing? How was any of this pain, any of this agony and discomfort and inability to take care of my family working for my good? Doesn't God say he will work all things for the good of those who love him? This wasn't love. This wasn't for my good. I was so bitter and angry I could hardly stand it.

Finally, finally, my Dr. got angry with L&D after one more failed attempt on his part to send me in to be induced and he told them that they needed to get it done. What were they waiting for, he asked, for me to get HELLP and die before they induced me? So at barely 36 weeks, they finally brought me in and admitted me to be induced. Praise the Lord! I was induced at 4 pm that day, they broke my water at 8, and I immediately began intense labor after that. As a side note, Fentanol is a joke. They gave that to me to ease my pain, and it would work for about 15 minutes, but then nothing. Then you had to wait another hour and 15 before your next joke. It was worthless.

I was in so much pain, but hey, that's labor, right? About 15 minutes towards the end, they lost Owen's heartbeat. The Drs. and nurses really started freaking out - you could see it written all over their faces. They brought in the NICU doctors and a host of other nurses, it was just as crowded as when Levi was born. We kept asking if our baby was okay. I pulled a nurse to me - "Is he alright? Is he going to make it?" Deliberate silence on her part. No one would answer us. They told me to push. They told me to push harder. "We have to get him out. We have to get him out NOW! You need to push!" But no matter how hard I pushed he wasn't coming out fast enough for him. We were terrified. He was clearly in distress and both Tyler and I just wanted to sob, but we had to focus. They brought out the vacuum extractor, attached it, lost suction, attached it again. They started making leeway on him, unwrapped the cord from around his neck and finally, finally got him out. He cried. Oh, how he cried. I don't know if I've ever felt more relief than what I felt in that moment, but atleast he cried. They whisked him away to make sure he was okay, and indeed he was. He was two days short of premature, but weighed a very healthy 6 lbs. 13 oz. and was in great condition. God is so good!

But in the process of the pregnancy, the infections and the vacuum extractions they damaged me. Or rather, my muscles damaged me. I've been in so much pain ever since. I've been to physical therapy for months, on Vicodin on and off (mostly on) since he was born, started postpartum depression meds a few months ago to help deal with the pain and anxiety from it (which have helped a ton, might I add, so if you've been debating them and still haven't tried them, I really would give them a shot) and now... We've spent hundreds upon hundreds on medical visits and prescriptions. Now I've had two cortisone shots. The first one was great (I mean aside from the blood curdling scream at getting it done), but this last one, oh man. I haven't been the same since. I honestly feel like I'm dying. Sorry if I sound over-dramatic. Trust me, I'm not. It's just been awful, that's all. It's the worst pain I've ever felt, save for labor and gallstones. I can hardly walk. My whole body feels like it's on fire. My hip and back hurt tremendously, enough to send me to the ER. The pain is stabbing, throbbing, raw, on fire, dull and really every other sensation of pain I've ever felt all rolled into one. It hurts all over. I think only my head doesn't hurt, aside from a negligible headache. Even Dilaudid doesn't get rid of the pain. Valium helps a ton, but I can still feel it and it still hurts more than it should, not to mention it basically makes me a worthless person who can't move, it relaxes my muscles so much. But I can tell it's helping, because it seems to make it a bit better each day I'm on it, since my muscles are finally able to relax after a year of being in constant strain and pain. Once again, Tyler is staying home taking care of me. Once again I'm struggling with feelings of anger, bitterness, helplessness and hopelessness towards God. Oh, and to top it off, what we thought was an answer to prayer, the chance to refinance, that we were so thankful for and praising God mightily for, fell through. Now what? That would have helped offset the cost of my treatments, but clearly God has other plans in mind.

I'm trying so hard to suck it up and just get over it - to push through the pain because what if this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life? After all, it's already been over a year and a half of constant pain, save for a few good days, so at some point I just have to learn to live with this and not allow it to control my life. I have to put on a happy face and pretend that I'm not crying inside and pretend that I don't want to just curl up in a ball and sob. I have to find joy and go out and enjoy my family and friends because we only get one shot at this life and I don't want to waste it.

But... Why? Why is He allowing this? I know He has the power to heal me, so why doesn't He? If I could only touch the hem of His robe...! Today, in a crumpled, sobbing heap of misery and despair I cried out to God. "Why are You doing this?! Why have you given me beautiful children, a wonderful husband, a beautiful house and amazing family and friends and are not allowing me to enjoy them or be the person you want me to be to them - a helper? Why give me talent and a desire to use it for you, a desire to serve you, and then take away my ability to do so? God, where is Your love? Where is Your faithfulness and compassion? I don't want to serve a God like You, if You aren't a God of love. If You have no love for me, then you aren't worthy to be served. I feel like I'm losing faith in You Lord! I can't do this any longer. I know these feelings are sinful, that You don't deserve me talking to You this way, but I'm not Job, I'm not without sin and I JUST CAN'T DO THIS! I'm so sorry for speaking to You this way. I'm so sorry and yet I'm just so done with all of this. What am I supposed to do? How are You possibly going to use this? God, I just can't take this anymore. Take this cup from me, it's more than I can bear. Why are You not a God of love? Why are You not acting out of love for me? Why, God, why?"

And you know what? In all my accusations, my bitterness, my disgusting words to a God who is worthy of all honor and glory and praise, amidst all that I said, the sin and the hate and the pain, I heard Him say in a still, small voice, "It's okay. I love you."

And it was enough. =)

Deut. 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." I find this to be every bit as true for us today as it was for the Israelites back then. I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and all my strength and all my soul, for He alone can get me through this, to the praise of His glory and strength.

Oh Wow! God, You Amaze Me!!!

So about a week or so ago I lost my mouthguard (yes, I'm so hot I get to wear a mouthguard at night!). And by lost, I mean LOST! It was nowhere. We pulled out the dressers, checked up and downstairs, rummaged through the trash. Nada. I mean, I even checked my bible, as random as that is, just in case it got closed in it or something. But nope, no matter how hard we looked, it was nowhere to be found. So I made an appointment for last Friday to get another one made, because I just can't live without it (it keeps me from getting blinding migraines because I clench my teeth at night). Well, Friday morning came around and as my alarm went off, I turned to Tyler and asked him what I should do, because I just didn't have peace about going to the appointment without trying one last good look. After all, the silly thing cost $300 - yikes! We decided to reschedule and look some more, but after looking that day, we still couldn't find it. Then Saturday night rolls around, and after looking a bit more just to make myself feel better, I give up and pray out to God, "Please Lord, I don't care if it was me that lost it or if it was Levi who threw it away or hid it, but God, please just work a little miracle here and bring it back to me. I really don't want to buy a new one." And with that, I grabbed my bible as I slipped into bed. Upon grabbing it, I felt something funny underneath the cover, so I open it up, and lo and behold, there is my nightguard, just sitting in there, as if it were a little gift from God! I was floored! I mean, FLOORED! How cool is that?! This isn't the first time this has happened, after all. Remember back when we couldn't find Levi's medical card anywhere, and it fell out of my bible randomly the week I needed it? And remember the fact that I had already thoroughly checked my bible earlier in the week? God is so cool!!! Thank you Lord, for all the amazing little miracles that just make me love and trust you even more! I love the fact that You are a God who can move mountains and set the stars into motion, and yet You also love me so much that You do wonderful little things like this that just mean the world to me! You are such an Awesome God!!!

Meet My Nephew, Nolan

Oh man, this little guy sure is a cutie-pie! He actually reminds me a lot of my own little babies, aside from the fact that he got his daddy's nose... And maybe his chin too... Okay, so maybe he doesn't look as much like them as I thought, but I definitely see both his parents in him, that's for sure! He's so sweet and little, and it was a pleasure to get to meet and hold him! I sure wish they didn't live so far away, because it's going to be hard seeing him look so different every time. But I will treasure the times we do have with him, because he is, well, a treasure! I love you so much already, little Nolan! And congratulations Kelsey and Jeremy! You guys did an amazing job bringing this little man into the world and I know you will raise him to be a man after God's own heart! =)

Montana 2009

These are from our trip to Montana a few years ago, just a few months before we got pregnant with Levi. And I'm just now sitting down to edit them today... Can you tell I'm a little behind on my edits? Anyways, these were taken during our long drive home, the first of which was captured right before a beautiful lightning storm hit. I wish I could have set up a tripod and shot out in it, but we were on a schedule and I am just not THAT daring - such a wimp. Lol! 

That trip, by the way, was amazing! It was my first really long road trip, I mean, the first that went further than Mexico. We had such a blast and were so blessed by some friends of the family to be able to stay in their gorgeous house up by Flathead Lake. Oh, and one of my favorite parts of that trip was discovering the Winchester Steak House. By far the best steak I've ever had in my life. EVER. I would almost make the drive just for one of those steaks, it's THAT good. Oh man, now my mouth is watering... But I digress. I hope you enjoy these - I had a ton of fun taking and editing them, and can't wait, Lord willing, to go back again some day. That house is, after all, my favorite place to paint plein air! =)

Owen's Birth Announcements

Oops, I totally forgot to post this. Here's little Owie's birth announcements that we ordered from WHCC on their double-sided linen cardstock. They turned out beautifully, if I may say so myself, and I am in awe of how quickly they got them back to us. I mean, when we ordered them a few weeks ago we placed the order right before midnight on that Monday, and they were on our doorstep early that Wednesday morning. I don't even understand how that was physically possible, but hooray!

I did the photography and Tyler and I designed it together, which was a lot of fun. I wish we could have given one to everyone, but alas, we just don't have that sort of dough! lol

So, here's my newest little cutie-patootie. Many, many more pics to follow soon, I'm sure! In fact, I just did a little shoot with him the other day, so I'll try to edit those soon and get them up here. Ahhh, if only there were more hours in the day...

Happy Birthday My Big Little Preemie!

I can't believe Levi is already two years old today - two years old and no longer the little tiny baby he once was! Giving birth to Owen has really opened my eyes to just how difficult it was to have a preemie. I honestly don't think I will ever get over it. Even now, after all this time has passed, every once in a while I still get overcome with emotions over Levi's birth and subsequent stay in the hospital, and I doubt that will ever change. When they left Owen in our room the night he was born, without monitors or nurses coming in to at least check on us, my jaw dropped open, and I asked, "Wait, is this safe? What if he stops breathing?" Well, suffice it to say I had a really hard time sleeping that night. It was so weird. All the differences between the two experiences are astounding.

First off, not only did they leave Owen with me, but I was allowed to hold Owen whenever I wanted, versus having to wait 3 days with Levi, and then only being allowed to hold him once a day for 30 minutes at the most. I remember the first time we went to hold Levi. The nurses told us to be there around 1, which apparently to them meant 12:45. So when Tyler wheeled me in at 1pm, they told me I was too late to hold him because they had to do their shift change and I would have to wait until that night to do it. I just broke down in a wracking sob the moment the words were out of her mouth. She looked so confused and sad for me, and thank the Lord she was compassionate. After Tyler told her I had never held him before, she let me stay anyways and hold him, which was simply amazing. It took so long to get him out of his isolette, because he was on the hardcore breathing machine called a CPAP, and he was so frail it was ridiculous. He was on the CPAP for a week, which was really scary, because that meant he was completely incapable of breathing on his own even with the steroids they gave me to help develop his lungs. I remember it was such a joy when he moved to a regular breathing machine. Anyways, it was two more days before poor Tyler could hold him, because I just had to hold him one more time, and like I said, we could only hold him for about 30 minutes a day before we had to put him back.

Not only could we not hold him, but for the first two weeks while we were in Walnut Creek, only two people at a time could go visit him. That meant either Tyler or I had to wait in the hall while we introduced our family to our new, precious baby. The first couple days this was easier on us, I suppose, because I was still fighting for my life in the hospital bed and really couldn't go see Levi anyways. But after that it got really hard, because as you can imagine, all you want to do is show off your new baby, and we had to choose between who could do it.

Levi's first couple months were so hard, and even though I was aware of it, I didn't realize just how hard until little Owen came into our lives and showed us the difference. Levi would stop breathing when he ate, so I never got to experience a relaxing nursing session because we always had to be on guard, ready to resuscitate him. One time in the NICU Tyler got a horrible experience with that when Levi had an Apnea spell on him, and he didn't know how to react. The alarms started ringing, which is a really horrible sound, and every nurse in there ran over to snatch him out of Tyler's hands and to bring him back to us. That one brought Ty to tears, and I love him for that! But in the end, all of this made nursing in the middle of the night a nightmare, and it took months before Levi got over it. He also used to throw up for hours on end because his tummy wasn't ready for milk yet. We had to take him to physical therapy every month for the first year because he was so stiff. We would get horrible phone calls asking for permission to do surgery on our newborn, because his IV was hurting him and they needed to make a direct line to his heart. And you know what's crazy, even with all this, his story is really nothing compared to, as I call them, the preemie preemies. You know, the really little ones. We were so blessed!

And we still are! I love that little man with all my heart, and I really wouldn't trade any of the days I had with him for anything. Levi, we love you so very much, and are so proud of the little boy you are becoming! You bring us joy and laughter every day. Happy birthday my little man!

Hooked up to his CPAP, feeding tube and monitors. So many wires!

My tiny little guy.

It was so hard doing everything through the doors of an isolette. I sure don't miss that!

And look at him now! Such a cutie-pie!

Him and "Green Train." How he loves his trains!

The Bird Family

This is my sister and her beautiful family. I've been dying to get my hands on editing these for so long now, and finally found a moment to do so. =)  I still have way more from this session to work on, so I may post more of my favorites later when I get them done, just for the fun of it. To be honest, I am way, WAY far behind in my editing. I don't get how professionals find the time for all this, and have personal lives, and maintain their families. It's crazy how much time it takes to edit them properly, but perhaps that just gets quicker with practice. Or at least that's what I'm hoping! Well, here's what I managed to get done so far. Hope you like them!

*Updated on Tuesday, August 7th, 2012: I love how these ended up turning out and I just couldn't help myself from reposting this! The images I had chosen earlier just were not my favorites in the end, and really did not represent my best from the shoot, so I decided to scrap those and have you see these ones instead. Ahhh, so much better! (Perfectionist much?! Lol) Enjoy! =D