|"The Appaloosa of the Woods" 2.5" x 3.5" Colored Pencil on Paper (ACEO)|
I've been trying to post for days now but oh bother, the last few days have just been torturous for me! It's funny, I'm stuck in this irony of needing and desiring desperately to pray for rain because we need it so desperately after all these years of drought, but praying for rain is for me literally means I'm praying for insane, and I mean INSANE, amounts of pain. It's a bummer, because I'm finally starting to get used to feeling almost human again (Praise the Lord oh my soul - how good it feels to be able just to sit down and help my kids with their homework, or play with them a little, or clean, or even cook for the first time in 5 years!!! My soul sings it's praises to my King for blessings like these that most people, including my former self, take for granted and even dread doing!) that I keep wanting to push myself and it ends up in disaster. All the atmospheric pressure changes and the fluctuations between rainy, sunny, cloudy, misty, rainy, and sunny all over again in this loop that goes on and on cause my body to freak out and I go into this spiral of chronic sleep, agonizing charley horses that are so bad they bring me down screaming and now my calves and thighs are in constant spasm from them - oh how that hurts - you've no idea!
Even with everything I know on how to manage pain and with the blessings that come from modern medicine, my body still goes into somatic reactions because the levels get so ridiculously high for me to handle and I end up passing out. Ty's become quite the pro at seeing the symptoms before they happen at times, and can either guide me to the couch in time or catch me mid-air falling (that's always fun! - sarcasm here)... But when he's not around, it's downright scary and dangerous, and I've hit quite a few interesting things and landed in some odd positions - some not so comfortable when I wake up hours later. And since when I pass out it's usually not just for a few seconds or minutes but hours on end, it's been a very interesting ride for us around here. But once again, God has proven so faithful and good to us, and blessed us though a friend with a very nice CPAP machine to keep me breathing (and living essentially) while I'm passed out for hours at a time which is quite common. And Paula, if you're reading this, I am forever grateful to you for the machine you gave me - it's literally saved my life a number of times as proven in my follow up session with the sleep therapists where we got to look up the log and see how long I stopped breathing for - it's so crazy and gave me a whole new respect for the machine. I don't hesitate to wear it anymore after that sesh, that's for sure! So thank you my friend - you are literally a life-saver!
And yes, while all this isn't much fun for me and it's hard to have a great attitude during flares like this, where I'm sleeping so much of the time and get so lonely when I am up because that's usually when everyone else is asleep, since it's 3 or 4am, I know in my heart that I need to try my hardest to live like Christ and have the best attitude possible. So I've been trying to keep myself busy by coloring - painting has been a bit harder to do as of late, but I try to do it as much as I can when I can - and I ended up with this little horse trotting through the wildflowers in the woods. I wanted the lighting to be ephemeral, and was able to get it that way a little bit, but not as much as I'd envisioned. I still really like how it turned out though, and it ended up being a study for a totally different painting I am working on right now, well, as soon as I finish writing anyways. So, I must go and get to work and I hope and pray for all of you sufferers out there with terrible conditions no matter what they are that today would be a day of reprieve for you from your symptoms. That God would hold you in His mighty arms and heal you, even if just for a day or two, so you can feel some comfort and joy in what can be such a depressing and lonely place. I wish you ALL a wonderful day, and God bless!