|"Flowers For the Broken" 4" x 4" Pen & Colored Pencil on Coaster|
Gifted to A Sick Girl in the ER
Wow, I just can't believe it - for the first time in years I got to experience true and absolutely blissful 100% pain relief thanks to a visit to the ER after feeling pain so intense that it honestly felt like deep active back labor, with rolling contractions, stabbing pains, and a whole body ache like I had the flu as well. It was awful. But praise the Lord I got a compassionate Dr. and an amazing nursing and admitting staff - it was like I was in a dream, and not at all like at the ER. Everyone was so sweet and compassionate - perhaps because I was literally walking as slow as a 90 year old, covered in a blanket, shaking pretty intensely from the pain and having to hold on to anything close enough to me to keep from passing out from it. Or perhaps God was just being insanely gracious to me, I don't know, but I do know that I was so flooded with love while I was there that it just felt like God's presence was filling that place, it was so powerful!
While I was there, before being fully admitted, while sitting in the waiting room, there was such a poor sick girl in her late teens just violently coughing into her mothers arms. I felt so bad for her that my heart as a mom, no, just as a person of this earth and especially as the salt and light of the world, just felt broken for her and I felt so helpless - I wanted to help cheer her up in what was obviously such a painful and horrible time for her. I wanted to give her flowers, but having none, yet always carrying my drawing stuff with me, I remembered I had this little semi-tangle/pen and colored pencil drawing on me, and I just hoped and prayed that perhaps just this small, miniscule gesture might brighten her spirit even if only for a moment.
The smile on her face and her mother's was priceless - I can't put into words what it felt like to see the impact of such a seemingly small gesture to a complete stranger. I don't know why on earth it made them so happy - it was strange to see someone so moved by something so small, but it definitely moved me in return. It was such a strange sensation - I wish I could explain it better - but somehow that feeling must have shown on my face for the rest of the night, even amidst the pain before the doctor was able to help me, because somehow it gave me the confidence to actually start showing my art to strangers again, which while that may sound silly to some people, it's huge for an artist. Without confidence in your art and the confidence to show it off without being shy or embarrassed but being brave and outgoing is the only way I can think of that people can actually make a business out of it, and even though this last year has made me feel like there's no way on earth that there's ever going to be a chance for me to have a career in art happen for me because of my health, I sooo don't want to give up on me quite yet. I just had such high hopes and dreams for myself, and my momentum was building up so much until, WHAM!!!! It was just gone in an instant because of my searing pain and it feels like my doctors have just kind of given up on me already, because my case is sooo complex and so severe and they just don't know what to do or where to go. So where does that leave me? I've always felt that one should dream big or go home. And I want to dream big again, but the question is, can I?