Wednesday, March 5, 2014

"Metamorphosis" - Tangles #03 And a MAJOR CHANGE of HEART

"Metamorphosis" - Tangle #03     2.75" x 2.75"     Ink and Graphite on Illustration Board
Lately, God has been making some MAJOR changes in my heart and in my life. I didn't realize how incredibly selfish I had become in my PAIN because of my fibromyalgia and myofascial pain conditions and more. I had adopted these terrible habits and ways of thinking over these last two years, more so like an attitude of "I'm in pain, and I'm dealing with more than you can possibly even imagine, so you need to figure out all the rest and just DEAL WITH IT" kind of thing with my husband and my mom, and just about everyone else I love, without even seeing how disgusting that sounds. It's easy looking at it now to see how gross it is, I mean, HOW SELFISH OF ME!!! But at the time, I had no idea what it looked like from the outside. I was so consumed by pain, I dare say I didn't even care how it looked at the time, which is just awful!

I had no idea how much of a toll an attitude like that would have on my marriage, my friendships, my family, and every relationship I had - I was horrified once it was brought to my attention that a change had taken place in my heart and that this once happy go lucky girl was consumed by bitterness and anger, by pain and hurt, and I immediately knew that what I just said above was what was at the heart of the matter. Anger, bitterness, and pain in my soul over all I had lost in my life, after having had such a difficult childhood, everything just seemed so unfair. Life seemed so unfair. It's like every time Tyler and I turned our backs and got through one difficulty, like having a Preemie, and then our second pregnancy being more painful and difficult than the first, and each thing carrying with it a 95% chance of ending in divorce, and each new challenge with the same statistics being dropped in our laps - I just couldn't handle it anymore - and clearly didn't handle it in a Godly way. I'm sure you could read it in the tone of my posts, and for that I apologize greatly! I truly, sincerely do!

The good news is that God has taken hold of me, given me a good shake up, and gotten my attention once again to start working on the tender spots and dark places in me once again. After all, we're never a finished work of art - the potter is never quite finished working on us for we are always works in progress until the day we die. And as for me, I just needed some good SOLID direction for me to start working on the right parts of me to get this metamorphosis of the heart to really get started. And I praise God He's set my feet back on solid ground; back on the right track, though the journey is a LONG one and I'm going to fall flat on my face plenty of times along the way and have to pick myself back up again, wipe myself off, and get started all over again. But praise God that He is a merciful and forgiving God, because I know that so long as I draw near to Him during this arduous journey, this journey that is going to be full of pain, and heartache, and where I'm going to find out things about myself that I don't want to see, at least I know that if I draw near to HIM, HE will ALWAYS draw near to ME too. Praise God for that!!! And let the Metamorphosis begin!

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